Maybe the best email ever

[Bullwinkle]

[MonkeyBoy]

and now, in interest of equal time . . .



"Upgrading to 'GirlFriend 4.0'"

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend,
and I've been having some problems lately. I've been
running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0
forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted
with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend
is run in background mode and the sound is turned
off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch
to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and
it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem
co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort
Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from
GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other
problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience
with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require
a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as
I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the
bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I
used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out
my whole system and shut down for while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time
I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus
protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0
still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't
know about that automatically senses the presence
of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates
with it in some way, which results in the immediate
removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there
are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend,
it is written in some obscure language I can't understand,
much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much
attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of
GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate
and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered
that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't
upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that,
he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as
a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so
he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons
he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife
1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top
of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up
system before he can do anything. Although he did not
ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has
an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he
heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife
1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing
the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install
anyway because of insufficient resources.

[MonkeyBoy]

and another version . . .

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 4.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer runs, rashing
the system whenever selected

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, Joe
-----------

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command CAPOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 1, Chocolates 5.0,
Jewelry 4.0 or Romantic Weekend 1.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install ShortSkirtSecretary 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[ptcruiser363]

[marvin]

I am glad to see someone in the world has time to play